Is the past killing me or is this only a cocoon?

It has been trying to break me, but the past has got me on the ropes. Dealing with the past to break away from demons who have tortured my soul by their touch is no easy task. It is breaking my mind, stretching my soul and confusing my heart. I feel weak before those who still live in my head and fighting for their very lives. The problem is there can only be one victor here. In the last week I have been tempting into vices that give a lying release, yet still stay away from it. The thought of death seems warm suddenly next to pushing on. I am under the assumption I have only began this battle. I have been called brave and strong, but there are times I feel neither of these things. I have went back to Buddhist chanting to escape as I temporary fly from the demon. My hope is to not only defeat it, but to let go of the hate. That way i can fly forever. I leave you now with a pic I took just a few days ago.

I have gotten back on the writing horse again and the pictures have dropped off some. I have found when writing is strong I am more intraverted and the pictures come when I'm more extraverted.

Wrighting has become very close to me again because of the therepy I have been going through has been, well a little on the rough side. A lot of memories have been becoming a lot more clearer to me. I wish I could say this is an enjoyable thing, but come on.

The great thing is that I have a great girlfriend to help me through all of these things. It is a wonderful thing called love.

Divided, and Yet Still Togther

I have found my attetion very divided lately. I have had so much push to do more with my photographs, that I have decided to check into it. This has taking away on my focus on wrighting and where to send things to send for publication. Then there is also my relationship & the days with the kids. Right now just trying to relax once in awhile now.

A Few More Pics

It's Been A Roller Coaster

Since I last blogged I faced Tammy again. It turns out that she has seen what I was seeing and now we are starting once again. Within a day she came down with a really bad cold. I took care of her until she was better. This past Thursday I woke up with a high fever and she in returned took care of me. During the midst of all this happening I have dove into my picture taking hobby. Good time of year for it too. I would love to find out if there is a group in Springfield to join for this little hobby of mine. Anyway, after over 200 pics I am planning on printing some. I even took some of the kids and I together. No writing done or searched out because of illness, dating and family ties. I will post some pics also for any one's amusement.

Advancing to a Human

Since I last posted I have turned a corner of two. I have first off got a hold of my emotions, more like the pain decreased and the rest of the mourning stages started to go through. The thing I have learned is that maybe I'm not exactly sure of what I want. Let me explain, if I want a commentated relationship I might have to be open to the 'm-word'. That really got my attention and quite frankly scared me a little. I know now I am a person who wants a commitment. A long term relationship with a chance of something strong and sweet.

I have also faced Tammy. What I'm about to say here may sound cruel but I don't mean it that way. It was good to see her hurt too, like we even went through the dark time together. I think we may be able to be friends later.

Now, I have found out that she wants to talk to me and ask me questions. She will be here in less than a half hour and I have no idea what I should be thinking. I wonder if I am getting older or just forgetting how all this works anymore.

The other thing is I know now I want to meet more people, all kinds of people. Yet, I am not a religious person and I really rarely drink. Where do I go to meet these people?

When will the pain end

A day has come through and I survived it, but it still hurts. The thing that flows through me is that she said I loved her too much. That giving 130 % was too much, that she would never love me 100 %. The idea that someone can say they love me, and love others, won't give 100 %. How can I trust again? How can I not? I have more questions than answers and not many to talk to. I feel like an island, so I tell myself how an island is strong. No matter how small, the water never swallows it forever. I know the pain I have in my heart will stop. I have to grieve the death of my love for her. I have to weep to get it all out. I need to feel the disappointment. Most of all, I have to be above it all. I can not get vengeful, won't solve anything. I have to in the end, be too good for her. I did not give too much, I was too good for her. I do believe it, yet the pain is because I did love her so much. So, when will the pain end?