Is the past killing me or is this only a cocoon?

It has been trying to break me, but the past has got me on the ropes. Dealing with the past to break away from demons who have tortured my soul by their touch is no easy task. It is breaking my mind, stretching my soul and confusing my heart. I feel weak before those who still live in my head and fighting for their very lives. The problem is there can only be one victor here. In the last week I have been tempting into vices that give a lying release, yet still stay away from it. The thought of death seems warm suddenly next to pushing on. I am under the assumption I have only began this battle. I have been called brave and strong, but there are times I feel neither of these things. I have went back to Buddhist chanting to escape as I temporary fly from the demon. My hope is to not only defeat it, but to let go of the hate. That way i can fly forever. I leave you now with a pic I took just a few days ago.

I have gotten back on the writing horse again and the pictures have dropped off some. I have found when writing is strong I am more intraverted and the pictures come when I'm more extraverted.

Wrighting has become very close to me again because of the therepy I have been going through has been, well a little on the rough side. A lot of memories have been becoming a lot more clearer to me. I wish I could say this is an enjoyable thing, but come on.

The great thing is that I have a great girlfriend to help me through all of these things. It is a wonderful thing called love.

Divided, and Yet Still Togther

I have found my attetion very divided lately. I have had so much push to do more with my photographs, that I have decided to check into it. This has taking away on my focus on wrighting and where to send things to send for publication. Then there is also my relationship & the days with the kids. Right now just trying to relax once in awhile now.

A Few More Pics

It's Been A Roller Coaster

Since I last blogged I faced Tammy again. It turns out that she has seen what I was seeing and now we are starting once again. Within a day she came down with a really bad cold. I took care of her until she was better. This past Thursday I woke up with a high fever and she in returned took care of me. During the midst of all this happening I have dove into my picture taking hobby. Good time of year for it too. I would love to find out if there is a group in Springfield to join for this little hobby of mine. Anyway, after over 200 pics I am planning on printing some. I even took some of the kids and I together. No writing done or searched out because of illness, dating and family ties. I will post some pics also for any one's amusement.

Advancing to a Human

Since I last posted I have turned a corner of two. I have first off got a hold of my emotions, more like the pain decreased and the rest of the mourning stages started to go through. The thing I have learned is that maybe I'm not exactly sure of what I want. Let me explain, if I want a commentated relationship I might have to be open to the 'm-word'. That really got my attention and quite frankly scared me a little. I know now I am a person who wants a commitment. A long term relationship with a chance of something strong and sweet.

I have also faced Tammy. What I'm about to say here may sound cruel but I don't mean it that way. It was good to see her hurt too, like we even went through the dark time together. I think we may be able to be friends later.

Now, I have found out that she wants to talk to me and ask me questions. She will be here in less than a half hour and I have no idea what I should be thinking. I wonder if I am getting older or just forgetting how all this works anymore.

The other thing is I know now I want to meet more people, all kinds of people. Yet, I am not a religious person and I really rarely drink. Where do I go to meet these people?

When will the pain end

A day has come through and I survived it, but it still hurts. The thing that flows through me is that she said I loved her too much. That giving 130 % was too much, that she would never love me 100 %. The idea that someone can say they love me, and love others, won't give 100 %. How can I trust again? How can I not? I have more questions than answers and not many to talk to. I feel like an island, so I tell myself how an island is strong. No matter how small, the water never swallows it forever. I know the pain I have in my heart will stop. I have to grieve the death of my love for her. I have to weep to get it all out. I need to feel the disappointment. Most of all, I have to be above it all. I can not get vengeful, won't solve anything. I have to in the end, be too good for her. I did not give too much, I was too good for her. I do believe it, yet the pain is because I did love her so much. So, when will the pain end?

Tails, I lose

The last time I blogged was yesterday morning. I was happy, dealing with a lot but I was happy. Then something is said and fear tells one to fight but not show what you are fighting as I fight for not another return of the pain of what is not to mine.

Last night I said something to my then girlfriend, that responded with a response that I am still sure of that she knew would hurt. Our disagreement is I believe a relationship is two people, her belief is a person should not be defined to an idea. I understand that and tried to find a middle ground. The more I gave in the more she wanted. Sometimes even when it hurts, especially if the other person is refusing to say a definite answer, you make a painful decision. I let her play her bedroom games but even if she is unsure of it now, I have closed the door. I have played this before and all I can gain is foolhardiness. She said she loved me, I made her admit she's afraid to commit but she showed no signs of pain. I have been every emotion one goes through in a situation like this twice today. I am back at self check and did I do the right thing. There is the problem. The heart and the mind though they are connected, see two separate things. A day like today, at least for me, can strip your emotions like a banana peel. So now my confidence for publishing, showing my photos to some places that sell them and my swimming lessons is very low.

Pain is a real heavy emotion. It brings love to all those negative emotions. Unfortunately it brings back a demon of mine that temps me like siren at sea. I have changed my phone background from a symbol of love to a hand with the words 'i need a hug, please'. Not that a shy reserved guy like me show it on purpose to anyone. I called in also today because I am an extremely emotional person, so I wanted to deal with everything on my own. Love is a coin with 2 sides, my ends up on tails every time.

compliments with a side order of relief

The same ol' thing can get dull to any of us, even of us who love a good rut. They have been some changes in my life since I decided to stop spitting hatred toward Missouri and started to look for the good. I admit at first I sunk into some of those great Missouri pit holes a time or four, but eventually I learned about myself.

Of course the reason I came back to Springfield was for my 2 kids. Mostly for my daughter's sake because it was getting grim that she would live in a hospital setting the rest of her life. She was regular at Lakeland and Cox North for some time. She was even sent to Nevada (for those of you who do not live in MO it's pronounced na-va-da here, it's a city here) in a hospital setting. The last draw was she was sent to a above class 4 facility in Waynesville. Even there she was not doing well. She got in fights and one girl really gave her a good fight after my daughter called her the "N" word. So I moved from a much larger city to good ol' Springfield. At first being here for the kids was plenty, but there are times you want to be more than a parent. A whole person is a wonderful thing. So I threw myself into my book, was a good idea in some ways yet I went to dark places doing so.

So what brought me out of the dark? At the time I was barely 40 and it was my mother who gave it to me straight. "It doesn't matter how you feel, you excepted those children and now you are going to do what you set out to do. If your bored, you have a camera. Go out and take pictures of things that aren't Colorado" were the words that still ring in me.

Nevertheless, my daughter improved and is doing quite well now. She has hit a point where she's ready to leave the past behind and see what she can give. She's signing up to volunteer at the zoo. During all this my son, the prodigal son, is doing well except being lazy toward school. When his sister became a permanent part of his life once more, he found himself living with 2 women. Been there, done that. His biggest problem is his past also, but his is living with a violent sister. This is now coming out of him toward his sister & mother. His mother was married to a man who hit her so, as you can imagine she does not deal well with this. This brings the boy to my couch. Which in returns me to sharing space. I'm a selfish lover of my area. I love it dearly, yet I admit I love the kid more. I still hope for a negotiation of both parties to happen where I can regain the things I want also.

OK, why the title above. I get to that here. I left group a little early because I knew my girlfriend was waiting to take me to Apple Butter Days in this one town called Vernon. I do not like apple butter, but I love her. We went and I met her brother and his long time girlfriend with her family. By the way my mom is one of 12 & I hate large gatherings of people you have to talk to. Never mind, I love her. We went up to the square where everything was happening with her son and his girlfriend. It was alright, I found a little Sylvester tapestry to add to my Sly collection. I did see plenty of photo opportunities for another time when there would be less going on. I grew up in a small town so I know what photos of some the the things I saw would mean to me. There was a booth of a guy selling framed photographs that he took. I thought some were really good. My girlfriend said that my pictures were 10 times better than his and pointed out one cost $160. See mentioned a photo I took and said that it was way better than the one the one with the bib price tag. I tried to put the pic on, hopefully I did it right.

After this was all done I went home and could not my 3-ring binder of finished stories. It seems my girlfriend's son has borrowed them. The second compliment. The next day I took my kids to the nature center and had a great time. My daughter was snapping pictures along with me and every time I took a shot of something, she stood at the same place and took one too. There's the 3rd. I stopped at Tammy's (my girlfriend) work to talk to her for awhile. After that my daughter went home and my son & I went home. Ah, time for the computer. The last compliment came from someone who is published about a story I wrote. That one made me give a thankful smile.

So the side order of relief. I made it through everything above.

Changes

The last time I was here I talked of two majors things in my life that were challenging me. This is no longer the case, I find myself in a struggle that most know.

As far as the therapy goes, everything is well. Learning to deal with the past and that I am not a complete disaster because of someone else's actions. There are some parts tha molded me to be a better person.

The relationship is also well despite the upcoming next paragraph of new problem in my life. Matter of fact last Saturday she took me to a place for great photos, I took well over 200. Last night she said something that not only might help me over my fear of water, but will probably be my mantra to get over it. I find love has suited me well.

The new thing in my life is my son has moved in to my one bedroom apartment. It seems he has very violent reactions to his sister and mother. His mother was married after me to a man who abused her. So it's understandable why she can't handle it. The problem is that for a long time now I have been the easy-going parent and quite frankly, I was very comfortable with that. Now that I have lost my living room, couch and have had to move things around for I can stay up late. Now it seems his disrespectfulness at school, that I used to think was humorous, has come down on me. This is not suiting me well. Matter of fact I am losing sleep on knowing how to deal with this thing that I know parents have figures out already. I also know if he doesn't straighten up, our relationship is going to change. That is something I really am not ready to deal with.

Things That I Have Not Out Grown

I have found recently that there are certain things I have not out grown. It seems that a month ago I met someone on a pure whim, that is the first thing I have not out grown. The second is the past, both have to be dealt with.

The person I met 4 weeks ago I have become quite fond of. I wonder if this is another round of happiness or a trip of the pain I have not forgotten. She has become a wonderful addition to my life, so I hope for that things will only become more. I go forward knowing it can go either way. I move on wanting to see how it ends.

The past is a haunting thing that I, and only I, must tame. I am working on a story that also has to deal with this part of my past, one I put away for awhile. Now I must dive back into it, one of the reasons I am blogging this. I must push on into besides my weekly trip of spilling my guts to a person who is sweared to keep what we talk about private. I know the story I am working on is unfortunately a novel. I say that in that I started this particular story for no one but myself. I know now it can not be kept to myself once finished.