The last time I blogged was yesterday morning. I was happy, dealing with a lot but I was happy. Then something is said and fear tells one to fight but not show what you are fighting as I fight for not another return of the pain of what is not to mine.
Last night I said something to my then girlfriend, that responded with a response that I am still sure of that she knew would hurt. Our disagreement is I believe a relationship is two people, her belief is a person should not be defined to an idea. I understand that and tried to find a middle ground. The more I gave in the more she wanted. Sometimes even when it hurts, especially if the other person is refusing to say a definite answer, you make a painful decision. I let her play her bedroom games but even if she is unsure of it now, I have closed the door. I have played this before and all I can gain is foolhardiness. She said she loved me, I made her admit she's afraid to commit but she showed no signs of pain. I have been every emotion one goes through in a situation like this twice today. I am back at self check and did I do the right thing. There is the problem. The heart and the mind though they are connected, see two separate things. A day like today, at least for me, can strip your emotions like a banana peel. So now my confidence for publishing, showing my photos to some places that sell them and my swimming lessons is very low.
Pain is a real heavy emotion. It brings love to all those negative emotions. Unfortunately it brings back a demon of mine that temps me like siren at sea. I have changed my phone background from a symbol of love to a hand with the words 'i need a hug, please'. Not that a shy reserved guy like me show it on purpose to anyone. I called in also today because I am an extremely emotional person, so I wanted to deal with everything on my own. Love is a coin with 2 sides, my ends up on tails every time.
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